Friday, September 26, 2008
Idiot customers are frequently a problem at our shop. We see a lot of people who are interested in lookin' supafly, who absolutely need to tell us about the infection that "just popped up" after piercing their navels with a sewing needle in their mother's bathroom, or who painted their jeans onto their bulbous, gargantuan thighs this morning.
Today, a customer was trying to tell me about jewelry she used to wear in her nostril. I can't recall exactly what she said, but it was something like this.
Me: Why did you take your nostril ring out before?
Her: Yo, that shit was diesel and all rinky dinky and shit. Word.
Me: ...Oh. That isn't a good reason.
I'm a pretty good conversationalist. I've lived in a variety of places, and I think I have at least a decent handle on the slang my generation uses. But for the life of me, I had no goddamn idea what this girl was saying.
I asked her to explain what she meant, and thus Seth and Niki's List of Slang was born. We asked almost every customer that came in today (EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WANTED A GODDAMN LIP RING) what slang terms they could teach us, in exchange for our services. The list is pretty long.
Like all other goings-on at the shop, Niki knows more of this shit than I do. I'm entirely in the dark, but she's managed to unchain herself from her generational bonds and crawl towards the light that is, in this questionable metaphor, understanding what the hell these gangsta customers be sayin'. Word.
So, without further delay:
Seth and Niki's List of Slang
1. Diesel - (adj.) Excessively large.
Ex: Seth, your muscles are so diesel! I just want to rub my hands all over them!
2. Rinky dinky - (adj.) Cheap, poorly made.
Ex: My coordination is kind of rinky dinky, so I accidentally tattooed "Suck Face" onto your lower back instead of the tribal tramp stamp you originally wanted. Sorry.
3. Plook - (v.) To engage in what I imagine is terribly awkward and mediocre sex.
Ex: I finally worked up the courage to tell the hot redhead next door that I want to plook her aaaaall night. She punched me in the face.
4. Take down - (v.) To engage in what I imagine is only somewhat less awkward but a hell of a lot more violent sex.
Ex: I took back my words and told Hot Redhead Next Door that instead, I'd like to take her down. We proceeded to do so and now she's pregnant. God knows how the fuck
5. Mad shook - (adj.) - Very scared. I forgot this one for a while and kept thinking it was "mad skrunk." I kind of like that better.
Ex: He was clearly mad shook because I am so tall and fearsome. As a result, he wrote my term paper for me.
That's all we got fo' now, dawg. Tune in lataz when my IQ drops a couple points and I start talking like that 4 realsies.
Word to your mother,
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I'm only a few weeks into my official apprenticeship and already the fools be bringin' me down.
Granted, I make my fair share of absurd mistakes. Like the time I accidentally gave Niki a 15g needle instead of a 13g one, or when I absent-mindedly instructed a client with a new tongue piercing not to use iodine, bactine, bacitracin, neosporin, etc. on their new piercing. As if they would be worried about their tongue ring after ingesting toxic chemicals. I have good intentions, I swear.
Anyway. This post isn't entitled "Dumb Things Seth Does." That's another post, quite possibly composed by Niki or Sam at some point. Listen up, internet friends. This post is about the incredible amounts of idiocy that I as an employee of Tiki Tattoos am witness to.
The other day, a character who I will henceforth refer to as Dumb Blonde Girl came in with her friend. DBG wanted something simple done - a navel or a nostril, I can't remember which. As she's filling out the paperwork, she has the following exchange with Niki and I.
DBG: I had my navel pierced before, but it got infected.
Niki: What happened?
DBG: Well, I pierced it with a safety pin in my bathroom when I was fourteen. And like...my skin sort of pushed it out after a while.
Niki: That's not infection, that's rejection.
DBG: Right. But like...that's like an infection? Will that happen again?
Me: No, we don't use safety pins here.
Then, the same day, another girl came in for a tongue piercing right before closing time. I'm pretty sure her mastery of the English language was severely limited, as her friends were repeating everything we said to her in Spanish.
To be fair, I understand how the language barrier didn't help this girl relax. But it seemed like she was being deliberately ignorant while Niki was trying her hardest to help her calm down. Seriously. It's 10 minutes to closing time, we're exhausted, but we're rallying to pierce you anyway. At least try to cooperate.
The second we ask this girl to stick her tongue out, she starts freaking out. She was squirming, pulling her tongue away, and turning around to talk to her friends. I don't care how nervous you are. That's just idiocy. The last thing I'd ever do if I were nervous about someone putting a needle through my tongue is decide it's a good time to strike up a conversation.
When we put the clamps on, she starts whining and screaming. It was so obnoxious that I was considering asking her if her friends had coerced her into getting pierced in the first place. If you're that upset about getting pierced, don't get pierced. Simple.
After we pierced her, she immediately pulled her tongue away. Dumb bitch almost cut herself with the needle before Niki could cork it. The second we put the jewelry through, she jumps off the table, runs over to the sink where we clean tools and spits her blood into it. Then she proceeds to knock over the paper towel rack while trying to wipe her mouth. She was so immature and so disrespectful that I was thisclose to telling her to sit down and shut her face.
This unfortunate event led me to compile a list I like to call Seth's Rules For When We Pierce You. It is as follows:
Seth's Rules For When We Pierce You
- Don't be an idiot.
- Kindly don't take it upon yourself to decide when you should and shouldn't expose the body part we're piercing.
- For the love of God, SIT STILL.
- Show some goddamn respect. I don't care who you are. We're the ones with the needles, and we're in charge.
- One to five seconds after we pierce you is not an opportune time to jump out of the chair and run around.
- Your boyfriend doesn't want to hold your bloody paper towel. I don't care if you guys swap spit every night.
And, most importantly:
- Don't spit blood in our fucking sink.
Thanks a bunch!